But you're reading it did anyway, I see. So I guess I have to go ahead and bite the bullet then, huh?
I have to tell you about that thing that I’ve been putting off telling you about.
That thing that I was hoping would never come up in our conversation.
And that thing is that I’m terrified:
Terrified of dancing in front of people and looking like a fool.
Terrified I’ll be found out to be a fraud.
Terrified no one will show up.
Terrified that they will.
And on the other hand, I’m eager.
Eager enough to engage in the work of showing up so that the terror is quieted.
Sometimes the terror is so immense, I freeze in place and can’t move until the sun comes up, and even then it takes me a few more days to completely thaw out.
There was a long period of time when I was dancing in a way where I couldn’t feel anything.
I couldn’t feel my body.
I couldn’t feel my mind, my spirit, or my connection to something bigger.
If I wasn’t dancing though, I felt itchy, antsy, and unsettled.
So I kept dancing.
I kept executing the movement as it was presented to me, carefully following the instructions.
If I was dancing for long enough stretches of time, it kept the terror at bay.
Well, then the terror welled up in such a way that I had to stop, disengage, and withdraw from dancing altogether so that I wouldn’t disappear.
And what I have to tell you, which I don’t want to tell you, is that I’m in a place of terror again.
Something is different in how I’m approaching dancing, living, being, experiencing, sensing, and I am uncertain and afraid.
But this time, I’m not disengaging or withdrawing from the dancing.
I’m not freezing
(That is so not true: I’m totally freezing. But at least I can recognize that I’m freezing).
This time, I’m listening, as best as I can, and I’m leaping in.
I have no idea if this “leaping in” thing is the smartest thing to do in this situation.
What if I twist an ankle?
What if, mid-leap, I disappear?
What if, god forbid, I look like a fool?
I’m leaping in anyway, because I need to know where I will land.
You have two dance missions this week:
Take your long arms that you imagined last week, and now dance from the fingertips of those long arms. 2. Notice when you feel afraid. Keep showing up anyway, and when you are ready, leap.
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The more people who read this, the more dancing there will be.
Which we need right now, desperately.
With Warmth and Jivey Vibes, Joanna of Joanna and The Agitators sweetly agitating/persistently upending www.joannaandtheagitators.com